Thinking of the Future Thinking of the Past
"I want to have done that."
A single phrase that changed how I look at life. Thanks, Debbie Ryan on yet another episode of Last Meals that fundamentally shifted my worldview. Sometimes it's really easy to get caught up in the present and forget to give the future its due diligence. The kind of attention it would have in a world where the present didn't feel so... fragile.
Let me start with things aren't all bad. All things considered, we're not in the worst spot we could be. Some things have started to stabilize a bit. Unknowns are getting identified. Next steps are more finite. There are new challenges on the horizon, sure, but at least there's progress. Momentum. The light at the end of the tunnel getting a little brighter, or at least slightly closer. We desperately needed that step forward.
But here's the thing: I have ADHD. And part of my ADHD brain loves making plans, but the other part hates following through with them. With the Crohns, that part always has an easy out. It's dangerous to realize it takes away a lot of the incentive most people have to complete a task. For my brain, there's a lot more work involved for round 2 (the follow through) than there was in round 1 (agreeing to a plan). In fact, sometimes round 2 was, dare I say, a bad time.
I'll explain it this way. My brain sees it as two unique events:
- Make a vague plan of an thing that sounds fun in theory (having coworkers crash on my couch, ladies' night, learning another language, learning to draw, cooking dinner, etc.)
- Taking the time and putting in the effort to complete the task (clean the house, leave the house, study regularly, set aside time to practice, cooking dinner, etc.)
That's not to mention the unknowns! Are there other people involved? What if they're in a bad mood? What if they bail? What if you learn something awful about them that fundamentally changes how you view them as a person? What if you sound like an idiot in another language? What if you're still terrible at art after putting in all that effort? What if it sucks? What if you realize you're missing an ingredient too far in to leave and go get it? What if you fuck it up? What if you make a mess or break something?
Oh, and the Crohn's? Don't even get me started.
Sure, it could go perfect. Everyone could be in a great mood and vibe well and have good opinions. You could speak with a surprisingly good accent! And you could learn to love your art. You could also learn to be objectively good at it. Shoot, you could learn to be great with enough sustained effort! You could cook the best food you've ever eaten in your entire life.
But those factors make round 2 a gamble, and that means there's a lot more mental energy associated with the follow through. Energy that I just sometimes don't have when the time actually comes to see the people or do the task.
Here's the thing: my husband is one who loves to overcommit then lack the energy to do the thing, but unlike with me, they do it with the best of intentions. They want to live in the world where they keep that commitment. They genuinely hope they have the energy to do the thing. They're just also a bit too optimistic for the circumstances sometimes.
I fall on the other end of the spectrum. I tend to undercommit because it means I'm less likely to disappoint people. When I reduce the frequency, I raise the bar on what level of bad I have to feel to bail. And oh boy, that bar is high to begin with. But because of this, it can be truly beneficial sometimes. It helps keep myself and others safe when there are sicknesses going around. It can give me some alone time which I didn't realize the value of until recently.
The combination is pretty brutal sometimes though. I can fall into a bad habit of constantly bailing on plans or avoiding optional hangs, getting that tiny lil burst of dopamine from the rush of "getting time back" or something. Sometimes this choice is justified, smart, or even necessary due to factors that I don't have any control over. But if I'm honest with myself, I get myself out of obligations or plans more often than I probably should with this method.
Another thing I've noticed is I don't always think about what all has to happen to keep the obligation. Is it in the house or out of it? Is it far away? Is it difficult? Physically, mentally, or emotionally? Even sometimes just putting on shoes and leaving the house feels like a mountain, and that's just the tip of the iceberg.
For instance, we had plans to have my coworkers come over and stay at our place for one night so we can all watch a movie together one weekend earlier this month. They live out of state, and a lot of the drive isn't interstate. It's not an awful drive to make once in a day, but the second trip back in the dark sucks. I really liked those coworkers and they seemed to have generally good opinions things. I would go so far as to say I was thrilled it was happening.
Then suddenly it was the day before they were set to come in town. I had been having a Bad Time™️ with food for a couple days and came to the realization that my husband and I weren't going to have our space all to ourselves for almost 24 hours. What if I kept having a Bad Time™️? We only have the one bathroom, and now four people would be relying on it.
Also, how uncomfortable is it going to be to try to avoid waking up the guests while not knowing when they normally get up or how hard they sleep, but also knowing that Makar will scream until he wakes them up if I don't get him a tablespoon of dry food at 7:00 AM?
But like, I want to have had my coworkers come in town and crash here one night so we can grab dinner and a movie and hang out. I want to have taken them to brunch in the morning before they drove home for two delicious meals while they were in town. I want to have this memory later on when I don't work at this company or with these people anymore.
I really want present me to set up future me. Past me sure as shit didn't do any favors for present me, at least not until more recently. Young me didn't think about the future at all. It was one day at a time. Survival. What future can you plan when you don't know who you are or what you want? I sure didn't figure it out. Not back then, at least.
Well, the weekend in question happened. I'm so glad I did it. It was a great time. My husband and the two of them get along really well, so that helps. It takes a lot of pressure off, but honestly there's really never any pressure there to begin with. My husband is a people person. They don't just love attention, they crave it. They have opinions. And those are just a few of the many reasons I fell in love with them in the first place.
They also can't turn it off, and that's part of why their energy levels are so erratic. But that's neither here nor there.
But even with a food test gone wrong, the weekend was close to flawless. The failed test in question was me trying a food that had fucked with me once before with some choices slightly toned down. Testing the fates to see if it was enough to not ruin me. Offering a small sacrifice rather than a full new test in an attempt to appease the diarrhea gods.
They were not pleased with my sacrifice.
Don't feel sorry too for me. Not only was it no one's fault but my own, it was the expected result (whether I wanted to admit it to myself or not). I may act like my face should've been like this:
but the truth is, the internet has encapsulated exactly how I felt already. Years ago, in fact:
And now, as more events emerge on the horizon for the cooler months of the year, I'm hoping to go into the plans with this perspective. There are a lot of factors that can change between now and then, but one thing that's certain is this: I'll want to have done these things, so I should just do them. Even if they turn out not so great, hopefully they'll at least be funny memories because of how bad or silly they turned out. I definitely have a few of those already that I cherish.