New Year, Same Me
Over a month has gone by since my last update on here, I hope everyone's been doing well through the chaos that is the end of one year and the start of another. Things have felt particularly insane over here for me with out-of-town friend visits, sickness, pop-up expenses, holiday plans, crazy weather, and so much more.
All in all it's been okay, just very, very hectic. The little bit of downtime I've managed to find, I've been spending playing games like Elden Ring or... well, actually, mostly just Elden Ring. Between that and cuddling my cats, my free time has been pretty thoroughly accounted for over the last month and change.
As a new year starts, I've noticed a change in the ads I get when I spend any amount of time on my phone. Game ads, social media ads, even ads out in the wild are all stating, "New Year, New You," while trying to sell me on some workout app, health/beauty product, or "time to make the change you've been putting off" something or other. I don't know what it is about having to change out the calendar and write a bigger number for the date, but it causes people to reassess themselves and their lives. I can't say that I'm left out from that impulse.
In the past, I've gone above and beyond to lay out my New Year's resolutions in great detail, hoping that putting enough effort into the setup will somehow magically ensure I follow through on anything for the first time in my entire life (spoiler alert: it didn't). From, "This is the year I finish my book," to, "This is the year I workout every day," to "This is the year I'll learn art," and more, I have never once succeeded at keeping a resolution going longer than a month or two. So this year, I've decided to be honest with myself about my hopes and goals.
I don't want a "new year, new me" kinda vibe. I just want a new year for me to be me.
I've already taken some great strides forward to give myself the best chances to make a positive impact on my life this year, but my goal isn't to become the person I've always wanted to be or anything like that. I may be a broken person in many ways, but that doesn't mean I don't deserve to be full of happiness and fulfillment.
I'm sure many of you are familiar with kintsugi and what it means, but for those who don't I'll copy the Wikipedia definition here so as to not bastardize the translation myself (you can read the full article here if you're interested, and while you're there be sure to donate if you can spare a dollar or two):
I couldn't for the life of me tell you where I first heard the word, I'm sure on some motivational post way back when on some social media platform I don't use anymore, but for whatever reason it's always resonated with me. Finding beauty in the cracks, understanding that something once broken can still not only serve its purpose, but be better off for the "impurities" those experiences left behind. I think everyone can find solace in the thought that our past experiences and "breaks" don't leave us worse for wear once we can glue our pieces back together.
Most of us have been through trauma in our lives. Even if we haven't experienced a bad relationship or been fucked over by a friend or a job, we've all been through loads of difficult times over even the last decade. I won't list off global warming statistics or COVID mortality rates over the past 5 years or anything here, but suffice to say we've all had our share of burdens weighing on us in one way or another.
But we don't have to just take these things lying down and watch our pieces drift away into the abyss. We can fill in our gaps with our own self-work through therapy and health-conscious choices. We can lean on others and build a community that supports us and holds those pieces in place. We can pay a witch deep in the woods to magically seal the holes.
Okay, maybe not that last one. Or maybe yes to that last one, who knows.
Either way, this year I want to find my glue. I want to work on the pieces of me that I've let rot off and chip away over the years of self-degradation. I don't want to change, I want to give myself the freedom to stop muting myself. To stop eroding away my personality to keep others comfortable. I want to be unapologetically me, because the best version of myself will always be the version that is most honest to who I've always been.
And on the days where I don't believe that at all, that I don't think any version of me is a good one, I'll come back to read this and remember that I have confidence in that person. It may be hidden somewhere in those weird, dusty boxes filed away for later in the recesses of my brain, but I know I'm inherently good and worthy. That's who I want to be in the new year: the old me that I've been hiding away for years. The one scared into hiding by the world. She can be pretty cool sometimes, if a little spastic. I can't wait for you to meet her.