Life Update: Gripes, Growth, & Gratitude
Hey! It's been a while. I spent the last month looking for something important enough to share here, but every time I came up empty. Whenever I tried to think of something fun or insightful to write about for the blog, I just drew a blank. The fact is I didn't have any big, exciting news to share with the world, nor did I have the energy necessary to invent one.
To be honest, life has been kicking my fuckin' ass lately. The heat waves that've been battering the US left the Midwest muggy and miserable. We slept in the living room for over a week. Our AC is so old, the bedroom was an oven that stayed at 80 degrees most of those days.
It killed the momentum I'd managed to accrue on my weekly walks. Shit, I didn't even open the blinds for two weeks. I lived in darkness. I didn't see outside unless I was walking trash to the dumpster or driving to the store. I even had to use cooling tricks while sitting on the couch.
But at the end of the day, the flow of time moves forward whether I go with it or not.
Least I can do is lay down in the current and let it drag me along.
With that in mind, I figured I could at least give some brief updates on what I've managed to do with the various projects I'm working on as I've been sweating my way through summer. Some have had more consistent progress than others (and some have no progress whatsoever).
Nightcap
This is one I'd consider a failure, for the most part. I haven't touched it. I haven't even looked at it, to be honest. My husband and I are building this together, but since they've been taking a hiatus from audio work while the industry is on fire, I've taken time away from the project so they didn't feel pressured to hop back in too soon. They tend to over-commit to things, then feel bad letting everyone down when they can't keep up with the expectation. I just eliminated the added pressure of me working on the things they'd feel they should also be contributing to.Besides, we tend to work on this together doing nightcaps. I've certainly had no desire to sit outside in the heat when just opening the blinds makes me sweat. No thank you.
Ironically, writing this blog post actually gave me an idea of something to add into the game.
Go, me!
Observation
I recently made real progress on Observation for the first time in months. I'd been stuck in this loop of revising the same section over and over and over and over and feeling like I still wasn't happy with it. It was so frustrating that I stopped working on it at all for a while.It wasn't because it didn't feel finished. None of it feels finished, nor should it. It's a first draft, and I'm not a first-and-final girlie anymore. It just felt... wrong. Like it was missing something important. And boy, was it. It didn't really add anything to the story.
I'd written the section as an excuse for the next scene to happen, and that's not a good enough reason to force readers to slog through 2000 words. Shit, it wasn't a good enough reason for me to write 2000 words. It was like a whole season of a show dedicated to setting up the next one.
So I went over the section one more time. I made sure dialogue was engaging and important. I added better character development and hinted at important lore. The scene isn't filler, it's purposeful. I don't think my fantasy book needs a baseball episode.
I can move onto the next scene, a new scene. I can make meaningful progress again without my brain circling back and critiquing that section repeatedly.
For how tough times have been for my body, at least Observation brought me a little victory.
Art
I'm about to finish my online gesture drawing course. I have maybe two hours of lessons left. I know I'll rewatch and rework the sections I haven't touched yet at least two or three times after the initial watch; I went back through every other lesson at least that many times cumulatively. I want to drain every ounce of insight from the instructor that I can.To say I'm blown away with the progress I've made is an understatement. I never thought I'd make it this far, that I'd stick with it. I'm so grateful I pulled the trigger on the online course. I needed the structure and guidance to give me real tools. I never buy things for me, but the classes I chose were some of the best investments I've ever made.
I even started back up the art book I've been reading. My husband suggested it for me because it's the same book their aunt used to learn to draw. I wasn't fortunate enough to meet her, but we have a lot of her art that blows me away. It's really hard, and to be honest I'm intimidated by it, but I challenged myself to start the next section.
I think I managed to do alright on the last two practices.
General Life Updates
Even outside of the weather, I've been having a rough go of it. I'm actually due to see a new GI specialist next month who only works with Crohn's and UC patients to change my treatment to something more modern. It likely means more difficult side effects, but when the alternative is living chained to the toilet, I don't feel like I have much option. I deserve better than what I've been dealing with. I've grown enough to realize I have to put my health first.
I would have had the ball rolling on this already by now, but the last GI that I tested out was terrible. I was crying before I even left the office, I was so disheartened. I'd sooner raw dog my illness than ever return to that practice. I had the follow-ups that had been scheduled during the initial appointment cancelled in less than 24 hours. Luckily my primary is AMAZING and put in a referral for me at the place I'm scheduled for coming up late August.
Hopefully I'll at least feel like I'm seen as a person this time. I'm ready to do what needs to be done when I'm treated with respect, and I'm more than willing to listen to an expert who doesn't just list drug names at me then shit talk the GI who's been helping me try to get a handle on my Crohn's for the past 6 years. The GI who's the reason I'm looking for more robust treatment because he told me he wanted better for me. That he thought I would benefit a specialist who works more with IBD patients. I love that man, so hearing him get badmouthed by a Pharma-doc who spent less time in the room with me than it took me to drive to the appointment (a 10 minute drive, mind you) left a terrible taste in my mouth.
I wish I had more to share, but I've really just be trudging along trying to get by. I'm doing what I can when I can and putting in effort on a smaller number of projects to keep from burning out.
And doing all of this during a tolerance break. Sometimes life's just cruel.