Allowing Myself to Acknowledge Growth
I don't know whether this is a universal experience, something unique to my life, or if the reality of it lands somewhere in the middle, but I feel as if nothing in life is truly constant.
Before you get up in arms at the thought that I'm implying no one can have a loving relationship that lasts or a relatively consistently happy life, take a breath. What I mean to say is much more nuanced, and not in the, "Everything is stable and great until it's not," kinda way. I don't have any plans to pull the rug out from under you (or myself) in this post.
In two separate blogs, Staying Sane and Maintaining Motivation and its follow up, I break down my thought process and progress with a motivation system I've developed to "earn" weed. In order to be a lil high piece of shit, I have to work on some of various creative projects, do things for my health, etc. I cannot overstate how much I needed a system like while I was struggling, like during my six month flare up last year.
Without this concrete form of accountability, I wouldn't be here. Not in a finite way, but I sure as shit wouldn't be writing this blog post. Fuck, I probably wouldn't be writing, period. I certainly would not have kept up with art, if I had picked it back up at all. When times were Bad and I had nothing to give, these systems gave me something I desperately needed: a sense of accomplishment. Purpose. A reminder of my passions. Things I would have forgotten or left in the dust the moment my health (physical or mental) took a turn for the worse.
I've used variations of this multiple times in my life, though the application of this effort prior to 2025 was more centered around keeping up with normal household chores. Sure, there was a touch of the creative focus that the more modern versions focus on, but it was really more of a "you have to be an adult and handle your shit before you can be a stoner."
That isn't the first iteration of the system, but it's the first one I actually put into practice (at least, the first one that I can remember). For over two years, I used some version of this system in an attempt to wrangle my non-existent attention span long enough to make consistent progress on projects that didn't provide the instant gratification my brain needed to stay motivated. That missing ADHD diagnosis (and total inability to admit it might be real) really did a number on me for a long time.
The thing about time is that it has a way of changing things you thought would be consistent. I know I'm a very different person than I used to be, and that's a good thing. I've expanded my horizons. Experimented with new things. Tried things again I'd given up on. And through it all, I used some version of this system to give me "balance" between work and play.
Then, earlier this year, my hand was forced. A tolerance break came in the form of four tooth extractions. One per quadrant. I was down and out for about two weeks while I recovered, unable to eat anything but soft foods or use a straw. Banned from ripping a vape or smoking a j since actions like those could dislodge the clots and cause complications while I was healing.
One thing about me is that I will always take things that come my way in stride as best as I can. Not because things don't annoy me or I don't want to raise a stink, I will if it's warranted. But at the end of the day, the options are to move forward or fall off the rails. I'm partial to progress, so the I try to figure out the best way to accommodate the changes and push on.
To be honest, I didn't even find it annoying to take an unplanned break. I rationalized the situation, reminding myself I'd been considering a tolerance break anyway. I'd done the same thing the year before around the same time. I didn't need to make this into a bigger deal than it already was when I could use the monkey wrench to my advantage.
I won't make the rest of this post about my dental situation, but just know the first two days were rough. There was also a crazy winter storm that swept through the area the weekend after the surgery, meaning I'd have nothing but excessive time indoors while I recouped.
After the initial lack of energy, I noticed something unexpected. I felt more motivated to work on my projects. I had made a January bingo card on the 1st, but I assumed this dental situation would ruin my chances to do well. To my surprise, I wound up ticking all but 3 of the 16 boxes by the end of the month! I finally finished the scene in Observation that I'd been stuck in for months. I worked on projects longer and felt more content while doing them. I was still working towards a goal, earning points for my system, but with the knowledge I wouldn't be cashing in that reward for the foreseeable future. I thought that would tank my momentum, but it wound up giving me the excuse to lose myself in my personal projects again.
I was truly happy just being productive. I was enjoying the time spent working on my projects in a way I hadn't since my first bout of hyperfocus on them. It felt like my reward was the time I got to dedicate to the book, the games, the art lessons. This was a feeling I truly felt I would never have again until I started a new story, project, or hobby.
I should have been on cloud nine. Instead, I panicked. What would these feelings mean long-term for my carefully constructed system? If I was just spending time doing this without worrying about the real, concrete reward, did I need it anymore? How would I force myself to regulate my relax time without flopping into full inactivity or burning myself out?
After taking a breath and a few steps back, I realized that it was a sunken cost fallacy. I had changed. The current system with an immediate reward was a crutch during a time like this where I could walk on my own. It had been invaluable before my diagnosis and during periods of bad health, but that wasn't the current situation. I had a better idea of how my brain works (and medication that could offset some of the more annoying symptoms). I wasn't in a flare up. Even my husband's prescription cocktail was doing a much better job leveling them out! I wasn't just scraping by like the past 2+ years.
Things were different, and I needed to account for that.
So now, the time has come to uproot the system once again. It doesn't matter that I just upped the output last month, it's time for a total overhaul. I haven't figured it out yet, but I know the general idea will be to save this "easy" version for my next flare up, for a period of time where I'm not feeling motivated or good. It's obvious that I won't be coasting on this general good vibe forever, that's not how life works.
While I figure out the new system for the good times, I've relegated smoking to Fridays and Saturdays for the most part. That, and one floating night each week. I think it's a better balance to limit myself to nights where I don't work the next day for the most part. For the new goals, I'm thinking arcade-style rewards with each prize costing a different amount of points. I still need to figure out:
- What these rewards should be
- How many points per item
- How to quantify points during longer periods of focus
The fact is, change is inevitable. The best we can do is take the time to access where we are, where we want to be, and the most efficient path to get there with the tools we currently have at our disposal. Right now, I have the bandwidth to push myself harder so I should. Sticking with a system that was designed to stretch a small amount of energy into consistent progress when I have the vitality to accomplish so much more is a waste. It sets me up for failure, nerfing my period of ample energy to maintain a less active status quo.
But man, I hope I can think up a worthwhile bounty for my more dedicated work. It can't be that hard to learn about myself... can it?