ADHD and Me: Baby's First Dose Adjustment
I can't say I'm surprised that I didn't post any additional updates after the one month mark. I really do forget my blog exists 99% of the time. Well, it's been two months on the first attempt by my doctor and I was feeling noticeably better! Was it solving all my problems? FUCK no. But at least many tasks that previously felt impossible were doable now. It wasn't just a fence anymore, the medication added a gate for me to work with.
To be honest, I convinced myself for most of last month that was a good enough difference. I told myself to focus on what I could do now. I started changing Observation into past tense instead of present tense because I liked how it flowed better. I made more outlines and some big changes/decisions that will help me the story move forward more fluidly. I noticed my memory had improved (intermittently and not always on the things I needed to remember, but still). It was even easier to get up off the couch and put away laundry or make the bed, no sit pit until later in the evening when the medicine was wearing off! I was feeling great.
But it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows. My day job work just still felt like an absolute slog 99% of the time, and I didn't find myself doing much better at staying on task and focused. I still fell into cycles of ignoring my work long enough to feel rushed then completing a lot in a row, or completing things minutes before the self-imposed window I set to turn it in. While some days weren't like that, some had pomodoro timers working effectively and helping me finish everything without it coming down the wire, even that wasn't as consistent as I wanted. But if that was the only thing I was still struggling with? I told myself that asking for more was looking a gift horse in the mouth.
To be honest? I don't know that just this one part of my life not being affected would have felt so significant if it wasn't for a friend of mine. He also recently got an ADHD diagnosis as an adult (he was actually the reason I decided to look into it), and with his first attempt at medication, his whole life changed. I can't stress how dramatic of a difference this made for him: he felt more comfortable in social situations, he focused better at work, he felt better about himself. He picked up old hobbies again. His doctor was even surprised at the level of difference it made! It was like the world was his oyster and he was going to shuck it or die trying. I was so jealous. I wanted his level of success too.
One day late last month as I was getting ready to send my doctor a reminder to refill my script in a 90 day instead of a 30 day supply like my insurance prefers, and I felt like crying. Granted, it was my period so that wasn't a particularly strange occurrence, but I just felt... disappointed. I had been so proud of myself for taking the steps for a diagnosis, for following through on medication. But I decided that I had clearly had too high of an expectation as to what medication was really going to do for me, and I needed to just get used to the effects I was already benefiting from.
My husband was very sweet and talked with me about it all. As someone that's had diagnosed mental health stuff for over a decade and has been on various medications for different things over the years, they gave me some very much needed insight: I have a mental illness. That does not mean that I am a mental health professional or know what's best, it means I need someone like that to help me figure it out.
How silly did I feel needing to have something that obvious stated to me? Very. But holy shit, did it reframe how I was thinking about my ADHD. All I can do is tell my doctor how I feel, what my limited perspective is, and request his professional expertise. Even if I never got quite as crazy of a transformation on medicine as my friend, only a professional will know what the peak of the mountain is; I shouldn't just make a camp and hunker down wherever I first arrived.
So I messaged my doctor with my thoughts and observations (X seems better, but Y is still hard, etc.) and asked him if he thought upping my dose would potentially help with that or if I was getting what was expected out of the deal. To my surprise and delight, he agreed that a slightly higher dose might make a difference! He wrote the new script and sent it off same day for the pharmacy to fill. It's only been a few days, but I've already noticed a more pronounced difference on my ability to stay on task with things that feel tedious!
Hopefully it will continue forward like this, me being able to keep myself focused for longer periods on less fun tasks, but if not then I'm not worried. I've learned my lesson. The best thing I can do is be honest and transparent with my doctor on how I'm feeling and let him put that very expensive schooling to work on how to help me. I can't express that the only thing that makes this task easy is how much I trust my doctor. I like that he is willing to admit when something is out of his depth and recommend me other specialists to make sure nothing is missed, and that those specialists were as incredible as they were.
What does this mean for the future? It means we should be having some new Nightcap updates soon as Austin and I get back down to consistent work next month. It should be more things to share about Observation, maybe even a rough draft excerpt! It means I can have time back in my day when work is easy by staying on task rather than dragging it out. And it means a lot less pressure on myself to feel like I need to know what's best for me all the time.